The 5 People You Meet on Mom Forums

Here's a secret about me: one of my guilty pleasures is internet drama. When I come across a controversial article the first place I go is the comments. I'm a regular reader of the Scary Mommy Confessional. As a result of this guilty pleasure it is not surprising that I often find myself reading forums on BabyCenter.

For those of you who have not sunk into the depths of the Internet Mamarati, BabyCenter is what people warn you about when tell you not to Google anything. Sometimes I'm convinced that BabyCenter hires people to post ridiculous threads that get clicks because they are so fucking out there. I just can't (or don't want to) believe that people like this exist.

But they do, in some form, and below I've shared the five types of moms I've come across on mom forums.

HAVING IT ALL

1. The Overachieving Crunchy Mom: Many of the regulars on mom forums create a "signature" for themselves that appears every time they post. The Overachieving Crunchy Mom's signature is chock full of all her crunchy achievements with near-unintelligible acronyms. This mother practices EBF (extended breastfeeding) and CD (cloth diapering), doesn't vaccinate or try CIO (cry it out) and plans to "unschool" their darling LO (little one).  Because it isn't enough to just feel strongly about these things, this mom makes sure that all other posters know all the ins, outs, and questionable science behind all of it.

Example Posts: 

"Have you tried squirting breastmilk on your LO's cut/broken bone/eye? We've been EBFing our 4yo and breastmilk in her ear canal cured her multiple ear infections!"

"You took your baby to get shots at 2 months old? EDUCATE YOURSELF WITH THIS SERIES OF BLOG POSTS I FOUND, SHEEP."

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2. The Sanctimommy: Mom forums are positively rife with this type of mom. This chick replies to every post, welcome or not, with passive-aggressive assurances of how much better of a mom she is and how what you're doing is not only wrong, but will most likely ruin your child for life. Every decision, no matter how tiny or seemingly insignificant, has massive, irreversible effects to this mother.

Example Posts:

"How could you leave your CHILD to cry for an hour? My child has never even cried for 20 seconds let alone an hour! It's called being a loving parent."

"I guess whatever works for your family, but I could never do that personally."

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3. The Humblebragger Mom: Another frequent poster. This mom will reply to every anxiety-laden question by confirming another mom's fears with her own experiences. Worried about the fact that your child isn't rolling yet? This mom's baby has been rolling since she was 4 weeks old. Concerned about your baby's babbling skills? This mom's kid was speaking in full sentences as a fetus. But no worries y'all, babies develop at a different pace and I'm sure he will soon!

Example Posts:

"My husband and I have had sex 78 times a week starting when my baby was 2 weeks old!"

"My child has slept through the night since she was 3 days old! SO BLESSED."

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4. The "Bumper" Mom: When a mom's post doesn't get a response quickly enough, this mom will comment with "bump" to return it to the top of the page..over and over and over again.

Example Post:

*Bump*

*Bump*

*Bump*

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5. The TMI Mom: Motherhood tears down a lot of walls, particularly in the realm of bodily functions. For this mom, this manifests itself in sharing graphic photos of feces, vaginal discharge, and wounds.

Example Posts:

"I found red strings in my LO's poop today. GRAPHIC PHOTO."

"Does this cervical mucus mean I've ovulated?"

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Want to hear a funny story? Some of these are based on actual conversations/replies on BabyCenter forums.  Motherhood is a whole other world, y'all. Don't Google.