Tuesday, December 30, 2014

What Parenthood Looks Like

I find that when it comes to motherhood, there are two general narratives you find online.

The first is of the mother that has everything together (or at least appears to), who has the Pinterest-worthy nursery and birthday parties, who speaks glowingly about every single phase of a child's life as being truly magical.  This mother inexplicably has white walls and light-colored carpets, always has the laundry done and makes her own baby food.  Even when this mom "keeps it simple" the result could still feasibly be its own magazine cover. She also probably cloth diapers and talks about how much easier it is (convinced this is a lie).

The second is an opposing vision: this mother loves her children as well, but neglects her significant other. She wears crusty, stained yoga pants, her hair hasn't seen shampoo in weeks. This mother defines her parenting style by the absence, rather than the presence, of overachievement. As proud of the other mother is of her parties and her nursery, this mom is just as proud of the fact that her children ate cereal for dinner while she drank her wine.

At this point I will say that I am not suggesting that either of these parents loves their child more or less than the other; indeed, though you find plenty of examples of both these narratives on the internet, I don't think either tell the entire picture.

The plunge into parenthood is fraught with as much guilt and insecurity as it is with joy and amazement. that much any parent will tell you.  With mothers in particular (in a biased, heternormative sense as that is my experience) I think many find it easier to express the push and pull in extremes, such as the extreme examples above.  This doesn't leave a lot of room for the grey areas into which most people fall. If there's one thing I've learned about parenting over the last 5.5 months, it's that you'll often find yourself immersed (submerged? drowning?) in nuance and grey areas.

All that said, I thought I'd share with you what parenting, and more specifically motherhood, look like for me--equal parts overachievement and "just getting by."


  • No matter in which direction I look, there is at least one baby-related item in my periphery. 
  • Spending an additional .50 on the "nice" baby food jars to compensate for the guilt of not making my own healthy baby food.
  • Trying the Ferber method, then trying full-time cosleeping. Mixed results with both.
  • Making sure the plastic toys I buy are BPA and phthalate free despite the fact that I can't tell you with any certainty exactly what BPA or phthalates are.
  • Breastfeeding exclusively except for the odd bottle of formula to get a break.
  • Babywearing, not for its supposed benefits but because it's the only way my baby naps that still allows me to get work done.
  • I could not care less about the decor or cake for Amelia's first birthday.
  • In a fit of exhaustion I might've told Amelia I'd sell her to the circus. 
So there you go. Parenthood. At least my kid should develop a good sense of humor out of all this.

Monday, December 15, 2014

The 5 People You Meet on Mom Forums

Here's a secret about me: one of my guilty pleasures is internet drama. When I come across a controversial article the first place I go is the comments. I'm a regular reader of the Scary Mommy Confessional. As a result of this guilty pleasure it is not surprising that I often find myself reading forums on BabyCenter.

For those of you who have not sunk into the depths of the Internet Mamarati, BabyCenter is what people warn you about when tell you not to Google anything. Sometimes I'm convinced that BabyCenter hires people to post ridiculous threads that get clicks because they are so fucking out there. I just can't (or don't want to) believe that people like this exist.

But they do, in some form, and below I've shared the five types of moms I've come across on mom forums.

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HAVING IT ALL

1. The Overachieving Crunchy Mom: Many of the regulars on mom forums create a "signature" for themselves that appears every time they post. The Overachieving Crunchy Mom's signature is chock full of all her crunchy achievements with near-unintelligible acronyms. This mother practices EBF (extended breastfeeding) and CD (cloth diapering), doesn't vaccinate or try CIO (cry it out) and plans to "unschool" their darling LO (little one).  Because it isn't enough to just feel strongly about these things, this mom makes sure that all other posters know all the ins, outs, and questionable science behind all of it.

Example Posts: 

"Have you tried squirting breastmilk on your LO's cut/broken bone/eye? We've been EBFing our 4yo and breastmilk in her ear canal cured her multiple ear infections!"

"You took your baby to get shots at 2 months old? EDUCATE YOURSELF WITH THIS SERIES OF BLOG POSTS I FOUND, SHEEP."

*~*~*~*~*

2. The Sanctimommy: Mom forums are positively rife with this type of mom. This chick replies to every post, welcome or not, with passive-aggressive assurances of how much better of a mom she is and how what you're doing is not only wrong, but will most likely ruin your child for life. Every decision, no matter how tiny or seemingly insignificant, has massive, irreversible effects to this mother.

Example Posts:

"How could you leave your CHILD to cry for an hour? My child has never even cried for 20 seconds let alone an hour! It's called being a loving parent."

"I guess whatever works for your family, but I could never do that personally."

*~*~*~*~*

3. The Humblebragger Mom: Another frequent poster. This mom will reply to every anxiety-laden question by confirming another mom's fears with her own experiences. Worried about the fact that your child isn't rolling yet? This mom's baby has been rolling since she was 4 weeks old. Concerned about your baby's babbling skills? This mom's kid was speaking in full sentences as a fetus. But no worries y'all, babies develop at a different pace and I'm sure he will soon!

Example Posts:

"My husband and I have had sex 78 times a week starting when my baby was 2 weeks old!"

"My child has slept through the night since she was 3 days old! SO BLESSED."

*~*~*~*~*

4. The "Bumper" Mom: When a mom's post doesn't get a response quickly enough, this mom will comment with "bump" to return it to the top of the page..over and over and over again.

Example Post:

*Bump*
*Bump*
*Bump*

*~*~*~*~*

5. The TMI Mom: Motherhood tears down a lot of walls, particularly in the realm of bodily functions. For this mom, this manifests itself in sharing graphic photos of feces, vaginal discharge, and wounds.

Example Posts:

"I found red strings in my LO's poop today. GRAPHIC PHOTO."

"Does this cervical mucus mean I've ovulated?"

*~*~*~*~*

Want to hear a funny story? Some of these are based on actual conversations/replies on BabyCenter forums.  Motherhood is a whole other world, y'all. Don't Google.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Some Positivity

Both on Facebook and here, I tend to write a lot about the dirty side of parenting. This is both because I am generally a negative person and because I'm in what is by all accounts a pretty difficult stage of parenthood with a baby who is decidedly on the fussy end of the temperament spectrum.

A few friends, both parents and non-parents, have told me that they appreciate my thoughts on how parenting can suck. The rosy, unicorn-magic picture of motherhood tends to get a lot more play, and frankly that picture gets old, especially when you don't feel the magic as a mom or worry you won't when you have kids. Motherhood is isolating enough without feeling like you're the only one who is missing something that everyone else seems to have figured out.

That said, there's something to be said for some positivity among the "realness," and that's what I wanted to write here.

Motherhood has been the deepest, most real thing I've ever done. The love I feel for Amelia is mind-blowingly, soul-crushingly huge. I'm amazed by every bit of her, from her little turned-up nose to her long toes, to her grey and brown eyes, to the tiny red birthmark near her left elbow, to the veins in her forehead that come together to form a heart. The love and terror and joy and pain I feel with her is deeper, stranger and more foreign to me than anything I've ever felt before.

Even when Amelia screams, even when liking her feels difficult and exhausting, I never lose sight for a second how lucky we are to have her with us, healthy and increasingly happy. Lucky that my pregnancy was not only easy to come by but completely uneventful. Lucky that we get to experience the intensity of our love for her. Parenthood isn't for everyone, certainly, but we are so, so happy that she joined our family.

Amelia made us into parents, added light and love and noise to our home, added a leg to our journey that is unlike any that came before it. With every fiber, tendon, nerve, bone, cell in my body I love her and want to give everything I am to her.

So there you go. Some real positivity among the dirty, messy reality of parenting. I hope you are all having a lovely weekend.

Friday, December 12, 2014

An Anxious Mom's Tips for the First Three Months

Amelia turned 5 months old this week which is absolutely insane to me. Where did those five months even go?

Since I kept both myself and Amelia alive (with lots of help, obviously) for five months, I figured that I can finally consider myself qualified to give other anxious moms some advice for getting through the first three months of life with a baby.

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1. Get yourself some (real) mom friends. One of the most invaluable resources I had during the first few months was regular contact with several friends whose babies were of the same age as Amelia. But if you're anything like me, you need to find friends that you can vent to and who won't judge you for thinking that having a baby kind of sucks sometimes. Friends you can text in the middle of the night because they're awake too. I can't overstate how helpful it is to have someone outside of your situation that could understand the unique mixture of love, frustration, guilt, terror and dislike that come with having a baby.

2. Don't stress too much about habits. Before I had a baby I read a lot about getting babies to sleep, and while some of it was helpful most of it lulled me into a false sense of control over everything. The fact is, based on my experience and the experience of other parents I know, your child is born with certain sleeping habits. There are certain things you can do to help encourage some habits over others, but really the baby is going to call the shots. I swore up and down that I'd never cosleep, but in the middle of the night when I didn't want to sit in a chair for a 20-minute feed only to have Amelia's eyes spring open the second I put her down, suddenly I didn't really care about habits I might be creating. Survive day to day and don't stress too much about habits you may be creating down the line. You'll have plenty of time for consistency later.

3.  Live second by second, day by day. I tend to get really anxious when I feel trapped. I know "trapped" is a crappy word to use when talking about your flesh and blood that you created, but knowing that I am a mother forever and that my life has been permanently changed always overwhelms me if I think about it too long. For someone like me who gets far too caught up in the future, I found in the first months that it helped to focus only on what was right in front of me.

4. Pick a mantra. Many people who know me know that I have a secret love for cheesy-ass country music. When Amelia was in the throes of colic, I remembered a stupid country song called "You're Gonna Miss This," and I'd often repeat the chorus to myself: "you're gonna miss this/you're gonna want this back/you're gonna wish these days/hadn't gone by so fast." Maudlin and cliched and ridiculous, but I found that saying it to myself helped keep the whole thing in perspective--this time was temporary and short-lived, and she'd be older before I knew it.

5. Be clear about your needs. I still struggle with this. I often expected Rob to anticipate my needs without actually conveying them, which meant that I was almost always left feeling resentful and put-upon (it helps that I sometimes love being a martyr. Wife of the year). When I started feeling more comfortable telling him "I need a nap, can you watch the baby?" I found that he was more than willing to help.  This goes for people outside of your relationship as well--other moms are often incredibly enthusiastic to lend a hand if you ask for it.

6. Sleep when the baby sleeps, but do other things too. I hated hearing "sleep when the baby sleeps," because while it is great advice, I found that watching the laundry and dog hair pile up caused me more stress than sleep deprivation. I started carving out time to fold laundry, do dishes, vacuum. It was surprisingly relaxing to do something that didn't need me, that didn't scream at me, that didn't make me feel completely inadequate.

7. Go easy on yourself. Take care of yourself and keep yourself healthy, both physically and mentally. If this means giving up breastfeeding, go for it. If it means putting your darling child in daycare once they are old enough, do it. Mom guilt is impossible to escape, but try to give yourself permission to be a person too. You are no less of a parent for doing so.

So there you have it, some of the things that kept me sane for months 1-3. If you have any to add please feel free to do so in the comments!

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Musings on Having a Fussy Baby

I thought when Amelia was born that who she was as a day-old baby was generally who she'd be for awhile.  By that rubric, she was the perfect newborn. She slept and ate like a champ and rarely cried. I wrote in her baby book that she "only cried when she was hungry" and Rob and I congratulated on each other on winning the baby lottery.

Then she turned 3 weeks old and it all fell the hell apart.

Colic hit her like a steam engine. She'd spend the day sleeping for the most part, but come 4:30 and she'd scream blood-curdling shrieks until at least 10:00pm. We'd dance, we'd sing, we'd try every device and liquid on the market to calm her.  At the appointment where we discovered her milk protein allergy, the pediatrician told me that it very well could be the source of her misery and that avoiding dairy could solve our problem completely. I cut dairy out completely and her stomach began to regulate, but the screaming continued.

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And continued...and continued...and continued...

I loved (and love) my child with every stupid fiber of my being but I was finding it really hard to like her some days. With that came incredible guilt--guilt for not constantly enjoying the magic of having a baby, for thinking far too often about our life before her.

The colic eventually faded, but she was still incredibly fussy. She gave up the daytime sleeping and the majority of my day was spent trying to pull her back from the edge of crank. It was demoralizing, both because the screaming rang in my head as a constant reminder of my failure and because I hated that she hated life so much.

When you have a fussy baby you hear plenty of advice and lots of "it gets betters." While they were well-intentioned, it eventually got wearing since none of the traditional fussy baby advice worked for us:

Have you tried the swing? Amelia has tolerated her swing long enough to fall asleep exactly one time. Every other time she is impressed for approximately five minutes and then is ready for whatever is next, mother.

How about a pacifier? I've never heard of a kids who didn't like pacifiers until I had one. At this point I can only get her to take the pacifier when she's in the Ergo and her hands are pinned below her, as she brings her hands up to her face a lot and pops the pacifier out.

Take her for a ride in the car! I have also never heard of a baby who hated the car, but I have one. She tends to run warm which is part of the problem since carseats hold heat, but other than that I have no idea why a trip longer than five minutes makes her scream as though she's being torn limb from limb.

Put her in the carseat on top of the drier! Turns out this trick must have worked a lot better in the 1980s when driers vibrated a lot more. Our drier doesn't get warm on top nor does it vibrate enough for her to notice that anything's different.

The only thing that worked consistently was if I carried her around, dancing, with music. Remove any one of those factors and the screaming continued.

I remember reading a post written for new mothers that wished them the peace of a "mute button," something that would calm their child for even a few minutes. It seemed that my daughter had nary a one, or at least one that was easy and allowed me to do something aside from stare at her. She was thankfully a breeze come nighttime, if that counts as a mute button, but our days were incredibly long.

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Along with the frustration of not being able to calm your baby comes a fear that something isn't right, either something physical or something...deeper. I'm not super proud of this but in the darkest, most frustrated moments I was worried that something was fundamentally wrong with my kid. That maybe she was the one child for whom it never would "get better" and that she was born just hating life and hating me. Before I had a kid, I remember assuring friends with similar fears that everything was surely fine. I remember wondering how they could ever actually worry about something so illogical.  Turns out when you are at the end of your rope, staring at a child in your arms that has been screaming non-stop for hours on end, your mind goes into some pretty weird places.

Luckily at around 4 months, the smiles became more frequent. We got a few laughs. We started to have days where both of those things outnumbered the screams, days where the hours of colic seemed a distant memory or another person's kid that someone told us about. I'm still not confident in my abilities as a mother by any stretch of the imagination but I figure we are learning together. I might not know how totally how to be a mom yet but Amelia sure as hell doesn't know how to be a person.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If you are reading this and you have a colicky or fussy baby (I find many mothers are loathe to say the word "colic" for some reason. My hairdresser told me that her son was VERY close to having colic, which as my mom pointed out is like being "a little bit pregnant.") I won't tell you that "it gets better" even though it most assuredly does. When people told me things like "wait until 4 months/6 months/1 year, then it's totally different," they might as well have told me "it's really hard until they graduate college" for how far away it felt. All I can tell you is to take every day second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour. Know you aren't alone, reach out when you  need to, and pick a safe vice (mine was Liz Lovely cookies heated in the oven).

I found that it also helped to find another parent with a similarly-aged child you can vent to, Someone you can text in the middle of the night, someone who won't judge you for saying things like "why does my husband WALK SO DAMN LOUD" and "THIS KID WON'T SHUT THE HELL UP," who doesn't return your vents with admonishments or humblebragging about how magical they find the experience. These parents will be invaluable. I don't know that I would've made it through months 1-4 without them.

Above all, remember that though babies are kind of dicks sometimes, your baby is not defective. There's a reason nature made them cute, and in the case of biological children, there's a reason they often look like the person you may have actually chosen to spend your life with.