Despite the fact that there are as many opinions of parenting as there are parents, and despite the fact that we are aware of all of them in this age of information, there is a single narrative of "good" parenting that is often held as the golden standard among parents of this generation. This "good" parent is 100% parent, all the time. The mother likely had an unmedicated birth or strived for one at the very least. Her children don't watch television, favoring instead Pinterest-worthy crafts made from fingerpaint and mason jars. The toys in her immaculate house are BPA and pthalate-free or all made of wood.
I imagine while most of us project this bogeymom on every parent we meet, very few of us actually achieve it. I personally don't think this is a bad thing. My favorite people are the ones who embrace their imperfection and I hope my child grows up to be like that too.
To that end, here are some things that the "good" parent does that I don't:
1. Avoid screen time. Since I was in high school, I've always needed some sound going on in the background while I go about my day and most often this takes the form of a TV show I've seen a million times. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends avoiding screen time until the age of 2, but I'd say I gave up on even pretending I was following that by the time Amelia was a few weeks old. I figure if having the TV on gives me even a modicum of my sanity back it can only make me a better parent than TV-less Caitlin would be.
2. Give in to "mute buttons." Here's a really obnoxious truth about parenting for you: literally every object or method that actually gives you more than 5 seconds of peace is, according to some expert somewhere, irreparably harming your child. Pacifiers disrupt breastfeeding and cause nipple confusion. Exersaucers destroy your baby's hips and give her hip dysplasia. Bumbo seats force babies into unnatural positions and they'll never learn how to sit correctly. Cell phones will scramble their brains and give them ADD. Every blog post that demonizes these things gives at least a few alternatives but none of them work like the actual thing does. My baby could have every toy in front of her and she will still dive for my phone every damn time she sees it. Can you blame her? She's essentially the closest thing to a prehistoric human I will ever have in my house and that small, shiny square has ever-changing lights and sounds. If it makes her happy to look at her own face on the reverse camera, and if I can get a few minutes to fold laundry, so be it.
3. Read to my baby every day. Another not-realistic recommendation from the good old AAP is that you should read to your child from birth. Have you ever read to a 2-month-old? There's like an 80% chance they will stare at the wall the whole time. Have you ever read to a 9-month-old? If they're like mine, they'll grab the book from your hands, turn it around in their hands, throw it, and crawl away to something more interesting like ripping all the clothes out of the dresser. I'm sure this recommendation is extreme so that you'll actually try and fall somewhere in the middle, and while I will sometimes try to get through "Goodnight Moon" in the time it takes my daughter to realize I'm reading and crawl to me to rip it out of my hands, it definitely does not happen every night.
4. Talk to my baby all day. There's some statistic about how babies who hear more words will be smarter and more communicative and so on and so forth. Lots of parents will tell you, "just narrate your day, it's easy!" At least for me, though, this is much easier said than done. When I've tried, the conversation sounds something like this: "Wow, so you shit yourself I guess huh? What's that, is that the fireplace? Look, the dog. Do you want to breastfeed? My nose itches. Stop poking out the dog's eyes." As you can tell, it gets old and extremely unrewarding, so sometimes we just sit quietly and make funny noises.
5. Plan elaborate parties. Amelia's first birthday is coming up and I have planned absolutely nothing. I think elaborate birthday parties for babies are insane, honestly. Since her birthday falls near the Fourth of July, we will probably have some sheet cake and booze with family members and a few gifts. No theme, no cute favors, no $200 platters of food. Somehow I survived my childhood having slumber parties and a shindig at McDonald's once, I figure Amelia will too.
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